[Video]

[callmeryuzaki]

"Garth Brooks - The Thunder Rolls (With Lyrics And Pics)" (Watch on YouTube)

[He appears onscreen wearing a paramedic's uniform, identical to the one Lazarus got back from his memory echo. His surroundings are significantly less seedy than the motel he's reported from in the past; they actually look like they might be luxurious.]

For those of us in the northern hemisphere, it's fall, and that means it's a season for change. With so many people getting job offers and new and exciting opportunities, I've decided to access my generosity again and help you all out with your resumes. I'm just that nice.

Sometimes you just need a little help to figure out what your best and worst qualities are. So, let me help you out~

<b>Name</b>: <b>Work Experience and Current Position</b>: <b>Greatest Strengths</b>: <b>Greatest Weaknesses</b>: <b>Preferred Method of Payment</b>: <b>Applicable/Marketable Skills</b>: <b>Goals for the Near Future</b>: <b>Long-Term Goals</b>: <b>How You Lost Your Virginity:</b> <b>Ethical Quandary: You are a doctor and you have one donor heart and two people who desperately need transplants. One is a 5-year-old little girl, the other is a single father of 4 in his late forties. Who do you give the heart to and how did you reach this decision?</b>: </textarea</b>

Comments

[Video]

[numberedshepherd]

Everyone, please don't do this.

[callmeryuzaki]

Name: Lazarus Lawliet
Work Experience and Current Position:
1996-2007: Chess slave
2007-2009: Time off for "personal reasons"
2010-2012: Failed novelist
2013-2015: Coffee shop barista, coffee shop owner, boarding school hopeful
2016-present: Deadbeat farmer wannabe
Greatest Strengths: Making people feel kind of vicariously sick and sucking dick
Greatest Weaknesses: Being a few pills away from a psychotic rampage!! And uncle issues.
Preferred Method of Payment: Crack cocaine
Applicable/Marketable Skills: Scrubbing every surface within my line of sight at least 18 times, following arbitrary rules, and having fingers that bend at last
Goals for the Near Future: Making it to the end of the day without crying
Long-Term Goals: Being an effective and productive member of society
How You Lost Your Virginity: I haven't yet, I'm keeping it above the waist until marriage.
Ethical Quandary: You are a doctor and you have one donor heart and two people who desperately need transplants. One is a 5-year-old little girl, the other is a single father of 4 in his late forties. Who do you give the heart to and how did you reach this decision?: The heart goes to the little girl, without even a second's thought or consideration, because the children are the future.

[numberedshepherd]

...case in point, please don't do this.

[Video]

[lovesickkiller]

[She is going to regret this. She absolutely is.]

You know, there's a difference between being a virgin and not being a walking STD. I'm surprised anyone goes near you without a hazmat suit.

If you fill this out for me, I'll be the next person to break your nose.

[Video]

[scarlet_devil]

Hyperbole notwithstanding, I'm tempted to slap him.

[Video]

[lovesickkiller]

He might like it. You can do better than a slap.

[Video]

[numberedshepherd]

Believe it or not I've had worse things said about me.

Also, you really shouldn't have made yourself visible to him...

[callmeryuzaki]

Name: Redrum Emilia Scarlet O'Hara
Work Experience and Current Position:
birth-present: spoiled rich brat
Greatest Strengths: Losing my temper and killing people
Greatest Weaknesses: Being a horrible judge of character
Preferred Method of Payment: Firstborn children, but just their feet
Applicable/Marketable Skills: Blowing bubbles with orifices other than my mouth, speaking in ridiculous accents, singing Ke$ha on karaoke night
Goals for the Near Future: Learning all the words to "Tik Tok"
Long-Term Goals: Actually dating Ke$ha
How You Lost Your Virginity: A Satanic ritual in which I had to be covered in swiss cheese
Ethical Quandary: You are a doctor and you have one donor heart and two people who desperately need transplants. One is a 5-year-old little girl, the other is a single father of 4 in his late forties. Who do you give the heart to and how did you reach this decision?: I stepped on the heart in front of the father's four children and took away the little girl's teddy bear.

[dictator_ko]

[Mina pointedly doesn't respond to this gross man. She does make disgusted faces while off the Network, though.]

[scarlet_devil]

[Smart girl.]

[Audio]

[devils_shadow]

Oh, is it that time again? I should mark my calendar.

[Audio]

[callmeryuzaki]

Name: Devil Boy #2
Work Experience and Current Position:
2015-present: Discount assassin
Greatest Strengths: Brute
Greatest Weaknesses: Mental
Preferred Method of Payment: Peanuts
Applicable/Marketable Skills: Sneering, grimacing, growling
Goals for the Near Future: Beating the next level of Candy Crush Saga
Long-Term Goals: Becoming a world-famous air guitar champion
How You Lost Your Virginity: I cried, but senpai was gentle~
Ethical Quandary: You are a doctor and you have one donor heart and two people who desperately need transplants. One is a 5-year-old little girl, the other is a single father of 4 in his late forties. Who do you give the heart to and how did you reach this decision?: I ate the heart before I could think about it.

[Audio]

[devils_shadow]

Mm, charming. And you are accomplishing what, precisely?

[Video]

[switch_over]

That's awfully kind of you.

[callmeryuzaki]

Name: Alexandra van Hoytle
Work Experience and Current Position:
2004-2007: Pretzel seller
2008-2010: Veterinary assistant
2011-2014: Professional kazoo player
2015-present: Yandere camgirl
Greatest Strengths: Losing friends and alienating people
Greatest Weaknesses: The fact that no one would throw me a life buoy if I was drowning
Preferred Method of Payment: Orphan's tears
Applicable/Marketable Skills: Crushing delicate and vulnerable body parts with stilettos, stomach massages, playing tennis with kittens
Goals for the Near Future: Finding a habitable shipwreck
Long-Term Goals: Growing gills so I can live in my habitable shipwreck, and maybe tentacles so I can be a better sea witch
How You Lost Your Virginity: That stick up my ass
Ethical Quandary: You are a doctor and you have one donor heart and two people who desperately need transplants. One is a 5-year-old little girl, the other is a single father of 4 in his late forties. Who do you give the heart to and how did you reach this decision?: What is a heart?

[switch_over]

Oh. Why thank you sir, allow me to return the favor.

Name: Guy who looks like some other asshole.
Work Experience and Current Position: By the outfit, I'd say a stripper.
Greatest Strengths: Surprisingly accurate guessing.
Greatest Weaknesses: Often mistaken for another asshole.
Preferred Method of Payment: Used condoms (See Marketable skills)
Applicable/Marketable Skills: Balloon animals.
Goals for the Near Future: Join the circus
Long-Term Goals: Become star attraction at said circus.
How You Lost Your Virginity: Probably hasn't.
Ethical Quandary: You are a doctor and you have one donor heart and two people who desperately need transplants. One is a 5-year-old little girl, the other is a single father of 4 in his late forties. Who do you give the heart to and how did you reach this decision?: The dad, but only after failing to make a balloon animal out of it for the girl.

[Audio]

[charcoalfeather]

Not again....

[Why do these things happen.]

[callmeryuzaki]

Name: Rakka Yoshitoshi
Work Experience and Current Position:
birth-present: privileged spoiled nancy-pants
Greatest Strengths: Sniveling and crying
Greatest Weaknesses: Diplodocus ass
Preferred Method of Payment: Designer socks that are 100% cotton weave
Applicable/Marketable Skills: Growing quality hemp, siccing my girlfriend on people, rollerskating on water like a tripping clumsy Jesus
Goals for the Near Future: Getting the static out of my hair
Long-Term Goals: Having 8 children before I'm 30
How You Lost Your Virginity: A magical night eating cream donuts
Ethical Quandary: You are a doctor and you have one donor heart and two people who desperately need transplants. One is a 5-year-old little girl, the other is a single father of 4 in his late forties. Who do you give the heart to and how did you reach this decision?: I couldn't reach a decision and they both died, and then I cried about it.

[charcoalfeather]

I hope you know you're a jerk.

[She only has a few designer socks and she loves them, okay? They're comfy!!]

[Text] Oh boy..He's going to wish he could block her at this rate.

[prismaticdestruction]

you are being a real jerk again.

[Text]

[callmeryuzaki]

Name: Little Boo-Hoo Crybaby
Work Experience and Current Position:
2010-present- Filling diapers and sucking binkies
Greatest Strengths: Sitting up by myself
Greatest Weaknesses: Not being able to support my own gigantic head for too long
Preferred Method of Payment: Rubber nipples
Applicable/Marketable Skills: Waaaaaaah!
Goals for the Near Future: Learning how to walk 4 steps
Long-Term Goals: Getting potty-trained
How You Lost Your Virginity: N/A
Ethical Quandary: You are a doctor and you have one donor heart and two people who desperately need transplants. One is a 5-year-old little girl, the other is a single father of 4 in his late forties. Who do you give the heart to and how did you reach this decision?: The baby of course.

Video

[sparklingscarlet]

[Blaise looks for a moment as Ryuzaki gives people their 'resumes'. His look becomes puzzled and a little concerned.]

Ryuzaki... What are you doing?

[callmeryuzaki]

Name: Blaise
Work Experience and Current Position: Student
Greatest Strengths: Sweet kisses
Greatest Weaknesses: None
Preferred Method of Payment: Love
Applicable/Marketable Skills: A cute laugh, a cute butt, a cute smile
Goals for the Near Future: Having a happy day
Long-Term Goals: Having a happy life
How You Lost Your Virginity: Mm... hm~
Ethical Quandary: You are a doctor and you have one donor heart and two people who desperately need transplants. One is a 5-year-old little girl, the other is a single father of 4 in his late forties. Who do you give the heart to and how did you reach this decision?: The child, because of my soft heart.

Sorry, that's probably not very helpful, Blaise... but as long as I'm taking care of you, you won't need a job.

audio

[mangata]

Having fun? What do you have to say about me? Go on, go on.

[callmeryuzaki]

Name: Ryuzaki #2
Work Experience and Current Position:
2015-present: Missionary
Greatest Strengths: Shampoo commercial-worthy hair
Greatest Weaknesses: Dumps like a truck
Preferred Method of Payment: Chewed-up skittles
Applicable/Marketable Skills: Typing four words per minute, beer pong champion, a heart as pure as the driven snow
Goals for the Near Future: Fingerpainting
Long-Term Goals: Fingerpainting well
How You Lost Your Virginity: ...Fingerpainting.
Ethical Quandary: You are a doctor and you have one donor heart and two people who desperately need transplants. One is a 5-year-old little girl, the other is a single father of 4 in his late forties. Who do you give the heart to and how did you reach this decision?: I would kill someone else to get another heart.