raisetheearth | [Video] Open to action for those in Shepherd's Haven

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[Video] Open to action for those in Shepherd's Haven

[When the video starts Misa is leaning forward, looking at herself in a mirror (turned camera by the network). Behind her are white tiles and her hands are resting against a sink; all the trappings of a typical bathroom.]

Phew… talk about nerve wracking… But it’s going really well, I just need to keep it up.

[She seems calm enough, then suddenly her eyes widen and she brings her arms up as if to defend herself.]

AHH-

[Her scream abruptly cuts off. Staring ahead, her hands come to rest against something invisible in front of her shoulders. A minute or so passes like this with Misa utterly mute, sweating and terrified but unmoving. Finally she frantically starts patting one hand against the air and then falls to her knees, gasping for breath.]

What are you? [Breathing heavily, she uses the sink to steady herself and hoists herself back onto her feet.] I can tell you’re not a stalker, but you don’t seem human at all…

[She goes quiet for another minute or two, looking away from the mirror. The terror on her face has been replaced by confusion.]

I don’t understand… I met you before? What notebook…? [Whatever answer she receives, she appears incredulous.] That sounds interesting, but…

[Shock colors her features… then a sly smile breaks out.]

Light is Kira? That would be awesome if it was true. [Slowly the smile fades, replaced by uncertainty again.] Light is Kira… and Misa is the second Kira…?

[A short pause.]

He’s searching for Kira with Ryuzaki, one of L’s men. But wait, how can Kira be searching for Kira? … Just as planned? Ah, could it be that Light is Kira and trying to kill L? [She raises a hand to her mouth in awed surprise, seemingly thrilled.] That being on L’s side is all part of a plan?

[She tilts her head, then shakes it from side to side.] That’s impossible… That Ryuzaki guy I mentioned is attached to Light 24/7 by handcuffs.

[Several minutes tick by, and the longer she stays silent the more confused Misa seems to grow.]

You’re saying some complicated stuff that I don’t know about… What the…? Is that good or bad…? [The confusion remains evident on her face, and when she speaks it’s with a tone of seeking confirmation.] Light is Kira and he wants to catch this other Kira and kill L, right? … And Misa was the second Kira? … So then Light and Misa became Kira thanks to your powers, right? … Then use your power and turn me into Kira again. If Light is going to become Kira again, then I want to too, so I can help him.

[A few seconds pass and Misa smiles, glancing down demurely with a faint blush coloring her cheeks.] I did all that for Light…? That makes me so happy…

[She glances back up.] I see… How many notebooks are there? … But if he had the notebook before, couldn’t he have killed L really easily? … It sounds kinda complicated. Then can’t you kill L? You can, right? You are a shinigami, after all. Why not?

[Slowly, her unimpressed expression gives way to a hero-worshipping smile.]

Yeah… Kira was- I mean, Light was doing it to make the world a better place. You didn’t even know that, shinigami? But if you want to help him then shouldn’t you kill L?

[The answer does not seem to impress her.] Stingy! … Huh? Oh, yeah…

[Her eyes light up, and once again Misa is blushing with a pleased smile on her face.]

Shinigami, you are real. You know everything about me, I totally believe you. I do love Light… Yes, more than anything. If Light was Kira and Misa was Kira too and we were both Kira together… then that’s totally awesome. [There’s a pause, and she giggles happily.] Thank you, shinigami.

[Seconds pass and her smile slips, giving way to a look of unease.]

There’s no way Light would kill Misa. And why would you go so far for me? I don’t exactly want to be loved by a shinigami… And if Light died, I couldn’t live on without him.

[This whole one-sided conversation she has been looking up, as if at a creature that towers above her, but now she looks down, leaning forward a bit.] Okay, I understand. Thanks for warning me. [There’s another pause, and now she is looking straight ahead.] Okay… I understand that, but why don’t you just tell me who it is now? …

“All that trouble?” I don’t remember that… [She straightens up, bringing a hand to the back of her head.] Ugh, there’s so many rules! Don’t you get annoyed? [She sighs, nodding to herself.]

Hmm… There’s a lot of stuff I don’t get, but… seems like you’re really on my side. I can feel that you care about me, shinigami. [She raises a finger in the air as if about to give a lecture.] Sure. Basically, Light has his own plan and I should just act like I always do and let Light figure out who Kira is on his own.

[With a wink, she points two finger-guns forward.] And if I try to tell him who Kira is, he won’t believe me and Ryuzaki and L will start to become suspicious. I get it, no problem.

[There is a pause, then an enthusiastic:] Wow, Misa rocks! [She grins, flashing peace signs with both hands.] Well, I am an actress! Director Nishinaka, Light and Ryuzaki, and now even a shinigami, have asked me to act. And I’m about to land a huge commercial! I’m a star!

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[Maybe it's a little weird to talk about exes, but in a strange way Lazarus feels like he owes it to her, given that she probably feels like she knows way too much about him and Cesar.

But then she changes the subject.]

I don't remember telling you about my birthday. I mean, I think I might have, but I don't usually talk about it...

I might have asked around a little...

[She scoots forward on the bed so that her head is nestled against his collar bone, exhausted from her echo and all the crying.]

If you let me throw you a party, I promise it'll be better than Nathan's was.

[He doesn't know whether to feel embarrassed and violated, or strangely touched. He settles at an uneasy place in the middle, nudging an arm under her shoulders to hold her as she cuddles closer.]

That was a disaster. I still feel terrible about Nathan's party, and...

[He hesitates.]

My birthday's never really been a happy time. Do you really want to...?

Mmh... I want to make it happy, if I can.

[Misa doesn't feel very confident in her ability to make that happen right now, but she does have a few ideas.]

We can replace the unhappy birthday memories with better ones.

I'm sure it'll be happier than years past, whether or not you even try.

[He's quick to say this, even confident about it.]

I mean... I have a family now, don't I? It's a very different situation.

[That does lessen the burden on her shoulders, and though Misa wants to be responsible for giving Lazarus an amazing day it is still a wonderful thing that he can be so confident in things being better even without her interference.]

A family, a home, a girlfriend. It sounds pretty nice all together like that, huh?

[If they can just ignore the events of the past hour.]

[They are both working incredibly hard to forget the fucked-up events of the past hour, and to their credit, they're doing a good job.]

It does. There have been points when I didn't have any of those.

[And that of course makes him think of Tony, who is still gone and still doesn't feel safe being near someone he admitted to Nux that he sees as prey. Even though he doesn't voice it out loud, it noticeably dampens a mood they've been trying hard to preserve. He makes an effort to put it back on track.]

As small as the family is... that just makes it more precious.

[Aaaaand that somehow just makes it all worse.]

Yeah... me too.

[The death of her parents comes to mind; as if she needed any more sad memories to wallow in. Misa isn't sure that she can truly call what she has here a family, but it is something.]

Do you want to know what I saw?

[There's something immediately cautious and guarded about him. Even as his eyes are curious, his body's tense like he recognizes that maybe he doesn't truly want to hear what she's suggesting telling him. He's never been one to primarily advocate staying in a safe and warm cocoon at the cost of hearing the truth, but surely there's no harm in doing it for just a little while longer...]

Is... it something you want to talk about, Misa? I'll hear it it but only if that's the case.

[The way he tenses in her arms is too obvious to ignore, and Misa holds him tighter in response. He can't leave her; he has every reason to, but she knows she couldn't take being alone with all this.]

Of course I don't want to talk about it. But if you want to know, I'll tell you. And... it was confusing. I really thought- when I was experiencing it all as her, she really thought she wasn't a killer. She didn't remember any of it.

[Obviously her Other didn't have many qualms about murder regardless and it took very little to turn her back around to supporting Kira, but full amnesia is another maddening addition to the puzzle.]

[The way she clings is something he likes most days. Her small body wrapping around his and holding him secure and cherished has never felt bad, but there's such pitiful desperation this time that he is uneasy.]

She didn't remember? You mean that you think that it was that Kira's power had passed on from her and as a result, she... didn't remember?

[He wishes he could take more comfort from her hold.]

I wonder if he manipulated it that way. And also if the person that Misa was talking to was someone that L also met.

I think it was part of... his plan. But she wasn't talking to a person. I... I don't think L could have met it.

[How to even describe the creature? Misa has seen it before, but a single distant memory is very different than interacting with such a thing. She had been frightened of the monstrous appearance, as any normal person would be, but... in the memory the shinigami had seemed to want nothing more than to protect her. To protect the other Misa.]

It was a shinigami, a god of death. That meeting... I don't think it was part of the plan. But she was in danger, and the shinigami appeared to warn her about it.

A Shinigami?

[Lazarus has been around longer. He remembers more from L's life, and has what even he would have to consider an unfair advantage if they were enemies. But they're not... they're friends, lovers, and he wouldn't take advantage of it just as she wouldn't take advantage of knowing his name.

...hopefully.]

Was it white? With yellow eyes, did it look sort of... bony?

[Misa pulls back far enough to meet Lazarus's eyes, caught off-guard by him already having that knowledge. But then, he has been receiving echoes far longer than her... she might not be the only one that has hidden some. She wouldn't have the moral standing to fault him for it now.]

Yes. It's... her name is Rem.

[And I think she was in love with me. Her, in love with her. The thought is disquieting either way. What kind of a person earns the love of a god of death? No mere murderer.]

[Apparently, it's more possible than they thought for L to have met Misa's mystery monster.]

I remember him touching a black notebook, and then he could see her. Rem.

[He tries out the name. Like a stage of sleep...? He doesn't understand, and it's just another troubling question atop a heap of many.]

It sounded like she wanted to help you. If not with your cause, then at least with your livelihood.

Maybe that's what happened... She was looking at herself in a mirror, and all of a sudden Rem appeared out of nowhere and covered her mouth. I don't... I don't remember how she did it, I was pretty distracted. But Rem could have made her touch the notebook so that they could talk.

[She wishes they had another name for her Other. 'Other Misa' just sounds weird, and it isn't nearly removed enough. Why couldn't they at least have different names?]

She was... I think all she wanted was to keep the Other safe. From L, and... even from Light. Rem seemed willing to die for her.

Yes... she may have...

[He mulls it over, trying not to sound as anxious as he feels about everything.]

Is it possible that Misa was perhaps a victim in all this? Manipulated by both L and Light and needing protection from them? I wonder why a shinigami would be so attached to her and care so much.

[It's an extremely appealing narrative, one Misa instinctively wants to cling to. It would be so much nicer to believe her Other was just a good girl caught up in a world of bad men, trapped between torturers and murderers and doing the best she could to survive. The people surrounding her were certainly dangerous, and terrible things were certainly done to her.]

[Maybe a year ago she could have twisted her echoes into matching that story. It would have been a much easier pill to swallow than the one she finds herself choking on now. But Misa knows too much. She felt the smile rise to her face at the prospect of murdering someone, felt a blush touch her cheeks knowing that she had killed countless people on her lover's behalf. It was all that woman's choice. She did it willingly, and happily.]

No.

[She says the world plainly, but without any room for doubt.]

I know she wanted to help Kira because he avenged her parents. And I know that she was in love with Light beyond all reason. She found him. She wanted to do it. The way she felt, this happiness bubbling up talking about killing L...

[Misa shivers, ducking her head back against Lazarus's chest. She has no love for L, everything she has seen has convinced her that he was a dangerous criminal. But feeling that kind of glee at the thought of killing anyone is a disturbing thing, even if the happiness stemmed from making Light happy— maybe especially then. The longer the thought lingers, the less that motivation seems to make the situation any better.]

I don't know why Rem wanted to protect someone like that. I don't know why that woman loved someone like Light. He can't have loved her, if Rem saw him as a threat.

[Lazarus clung to a similar narrative once. He wanted to think that L was a good man, no, practically a Messiah. Whether that was egotistical or not to hope for, it seemed like a chance to be better than the screwup of wasted potential and depression that Lazarus' life had slumped into before he started getting his echoes. He squandered his talent and his savings and came down to the last dregs of resolve he possessed, and came to the conclusion that he might as well throw those away too in one final gesture of nihilistic self-erasure.

In other words, once everything depended on L being too good for his world.]

Oh...

[He's not sure if her honesty hurts or if it's actually supremely touching that she would be so open with him. He listens silently, without even nods or small sounds to indicate that he understands what she is saying to him.]

Maybe... do you think that everyone from that reality was just stark raving mad? It would definitely explain a lot. I don't think that anyone was a good person, and if we're getting them back bit by bit, I guess... the future seems kind of bleak no matter how you look at it, doesn't it?

[It's the last thing that she wants to hear, precisely because those thoughts have been viciously swirling around in her head since the echo ended. We are turning into crazy people. Hearing Lazarus voice the thought just confirms it. Misa squeezes him, feebly. It makes her feel no more whole, and no less scared.]

We're different, we have to be... there has to be a way to stop turning into them.

[Her tone is pleading, begging for him to agree and provide a solution.]

You've had all this going on longer than me, has anyone ever gone that far? Becoming their other completely?

[The hug doesn't begin to fix this, but it's not exactly Misa's fault, so ultimately, it all kind of evens out and balances. It's better than no hug, or her sliding out of bed and leaving without a word; ultimately, he prefers this.]

You're right. We have to be different, and I think that we can be. Even if we can't stop turning into them and we have to remember what they did, we still have the people we were born as. And in some ways... no matter how hard things were once, there are things about us worth holding onto.

[He pauses, falling silent for several full seconds after her question.]

That's impossible to measure... and maybe possible to attain. No, I don't know, but I don't think it ever happened.

[Misa nods along numbly. Whether Lazarus is right or not, his monotone voice is soothing. There were plenty of times that she found it creepy or off-putting when they first met, but she has come to find a certain solace in how little it changes; even if she rises to hysterics, Lazarus will still be here with that same voice.]

That's good. Maybe... maybe it won't ever go that far.

[If he knew that she found his voice soothing, he'd think of more to say simply for the sake of soothing her. As it is he's worried that he's saying things that have ceased to make sense and alleviate both their misery and confusion.]

I think that we've already lived lives and even if we had an echo every week on average, we'd never get back a full life anyway. It's simply mathematically impossible.

[That coaxes a smile out of her. Leave it to Lazarus to solve problems of reincarnation with math.]

You're so smart.

[She presses an affectionate kiss to his cheek. Then her smile fades as she remembers that the woman who so gleefully discussed murdering L did the same thing.]

[Would they one day have no innocent gestures left?]

[Math is the final refuge of the complete and utter nerd, and Lazarus has defaulted to it more than once. If memories of his Other are anything to go by, he wasn't much different, and Lazarus simultaneously finds that disquieting and comforting. At the very least, it's a change he doesn't have to undergo.]

You're so kind.

[He reaches up to touch a strand of her hair.]

And we're both tired. We've had a good talk, haven't we? We wouldn't be going to bed angry.

[Video] Open to action for those in Shepherd's Haven

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