raisetheearth | [Video] Open to action for those in Shepherd's Haven

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[Video] Open to action for those in Shepherd's Haven

[When the video starts Misa is leaning forward, looking at herself in a mirror (turned camera by the network). Behind her are white tiles and her hands are resting against a sink; all the trappings of a typical bathroom.]

Phew… talk about nerve wracking… But it’s going really well, I just need to keep it up.

[She seems calm enough, then suddenly her eyes widen and she brings her arms up as if to defend herself.]

AHH-

[Her scream abruptly cuts off. Staring ahead, her hands come to rest against something invisible in front of her shoulders. A minute or so passes like this with Misa utterly mute, sweating and terrified but unmoving. Finally she frantically starts patting one hand against the air and then falls to her knees, gasping for breath.]

What are you? [Breathing heavily, she uses the sink to steady herself and hoists herself back onto her feet.] I can tell you’re not a stalker, but you don’t seem human at all…

[She goes quiet for another minute or two, looking away from the mirror. The terror on her face has been replaced by confusion.]

I don’t understand… I met you before? What notebook…? [Whatever answer she receives, she appears incredulous.] That sounds interesting, but…

[Shock colors her features… then a sly smile breaks out.]

Light is Kira? That would be awesome if it was true. [Slowly the smile fades, replaced by uncertainty again.] Light is Kira… and Misa is the second Kira…?

[A short pause.]

He’s searching for Kira with Ryuzaki, one of L’s men. But wait, how can Kira be searching for Kira? … Just as planned? Ah, could it be that Light is Kira and trying to kill L? [She raises a hand to her mouth in awed surprise, seemingly thrilled.] That being on L’s side is all part of a plan?

[She tilts her head, then shakes it from side to side.] That’s impossible… That Ryuzaki guy I mentioned is attached to Light 24/7 by handcuffs.

[Several minutes tick by, and the longer she stays silent the more confused Misa seems to grow.]

You’re saying some complicated stuff that I don’t know about… What the…? Is that good or bad…? [The confusion remains evident on her face, and when she speaks it’s with a tone of seeking confirmation.] Light is Kira and he wants to catch this other Kira and kill L, right? … And Misa was the second Kira? … So then Light and Misa became Kira thanks to your powers, right? … Then use your power and turn me into Kira again. If Light is going to become Kira again, then I want to too, so I can help him.

[A few seconds pass and Misa smiles, glancing down demurely with a faint blush coloring her cheeks.] I did all that for Light…? That makes me so happy…

[She glances back up.] I see… How many notebooks are there? … But if he had the notebook before, couldn’t he have killed L really easily? … It sounds kinda complicated. Then can’t you kill L? You can, right? You are a shinigami, after all. Why not?

[Slowly, her unimpressed expression gives way to a hero-worshipping smile.]

Yeah… Kira was- I mean, Light was doing it to make the world a better place. You didn’t even know that, shinigami? But if you want to help him then shouldn’t you kill L?

[The answer does not seem to impress her.] Stingy! … Huh? Oh, yeah…

[Her eyes light up, and once again Misa is blushing with a pleased smile on her face.]

Shinigami, you are real. You know everything about me, I totally believe you. I do love Light… Yes, more than anything. If Light was Kira and Misa was Kira too and we were both Kira together… then that’s totally awesome. [There’s a pause, and she giggles happily.] Thank you, shinigami.

[Seconds pass and her smile slips, giving way to a look of unease.]

There’s no way Light would kill Misa. And why would you go so far for me? I don’t exactly want to be loved by a shinigami… And if Light died, I couldn’t live on without him.

[This whole one-sided conversation she has been looking up, as if at a creature that towers above her, but now she looks down, leaning forward a bit.] Okay, I understand. Thanks for warning me. [There’s another pause, and now she is looking straight ahead.] Okay… I understand that, but why don’t you just tell me who it is now? …

“All that trouble?” I don’t remember that… [She straightens up, bringing a hand to the back of her head.] Ugh, there’s so many rules! Don’t you get annoyed? [She sighs, nodding to herself.]

Hmm… There’s a lot of stuff I don’t get, but… seems like you’re really on my side. I can feel that you care about me, shinigami. [She raises a finger in the air as if about to give a lecture.] Sure. Basically, Light has his own plan and I should just act like I always do and let Light figure out who Kira is on his own.

[With a wink, she points two finger-guns forward.] And if I try to tell him who Kira is, he won’t believe me and Ryuzaki and L will start to become suspicious. I get it, no problem.

[There is a pause, then an enthusiastic:] Wow, Misa rocks! [She grins, flashing peace signs with both hands.] Well, I am an actress! Director Nishinaka, Light and Ryuzaki, and now even a shinigami, have asked me to act. And I’m about to land a huge commercial! I’m a star!

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[It's an extremely appealing narrative, one Misa instinctively wants to cling to. It would be so much nicer to believe her Other was just a good girl caught up in a world of bad men, trapped between torturers and murderers and doing the best she could to survive. The people surrounding her were certainly dangerous, and terrible things were certainly done to her.]

[Maybe a year ago she could have twisted her echoes into matching that story. It would have been a much easier pill to swallow than the one she finds herself choking on now. But Misa knows too much. She felt the smile rise to her face at the prospect of murdering someone, felt a blush touch her cheeks knowing that she had killed countless people on her lover's behalf. It was all that woman's choice. She did it willingly, and happily.]

No.

[She says the world plainly, but without any room for doubt.]

I know she wanted to help Kira because he avenged her parents. And I know that she was in love with Light beyond all reason. She found him. She wanted to do it. The way she felt, this happiness bubbling up talking about killing L...

[Misa shivers, ducking her head back against Lazarus's chest. She has no love for L, everything she has seen has convinced her that he was a dangerous criminal. But feeling that kind of glee at the thought of killing anyone is a disturbing thing, even if the happiness stemmed from making Light happy— maybe especially then. The longer the thought lingers, the less that motivation seems to make the situation any better.]

I don't know why Rem wanted to protect someone like that. I don't know why that woman loved someone like Light. He can't have loved her, if Rem saw him as a threat.

[Lazarus clung to a similar narrative once. He wanted to think that L was a good man, no, practically a Messiah. Whether that was egotistical or not to hope for, it seemed like a chance to be better than the screwup of wasted potential and depression that Lazarus' life had slumped into before he started getting his echoes. He squandered his talent and his savings and came down to the last dregs of resolve he possessed, and came to the conclusion that he might as well throw those away too in one final gesture of nihilistic self-erasure.

In other words, once everything depended on L being too good for his world.]

Oh...

[He's not sure if her honesty hurts or if it's actually supremely touching that she would be so open with him. He listens silently, without even nods or small sounds to indicate that he understands what she is saying to him.]

Maybe... do you think that everyone from that reality was just stark raving mad? It would definitely explain a lot. I don't think that anyone was a good person, and if we're getting them back bit by bit, I guess... the future seems kind of bleak no matter how you look at it, doesn't it?

[It's the last thing that she wants to hear, precisely because those thoughts have been viciously swirling around in her head since the echo ended. We are turning into crazy people. Hearing Lazarus voice the thought just confirms it. Misa squeezes him, feebly. It makes her feel no more whole, and no less scared.]

We're different, we have to be... there has to be a way to stop turning into them.

[Her tone is pleading, begging for him to agree and provide a solution.]

You've had all this going on longer than me, has anyone ever gone that far? Becoming their other completely?

[The hug doesn't begin to fix this, but it's not exactly Misa's fault, so ultimately, it all kind of evens out and balances. It's better than no hug, or her sliding out of bed and leaving without a word; ultimately, he prefers this.]

You're right. We have to be different, and I think that we can be. Even if we can't stop turning into them and we have to remember what they did, we still have the people we were born as. And in some ways... no matter how hard things were once, there are things about us worth holding onto.

[He pauses, falling silent for several full seconds after her question.]

That's impossible to measure... and maybe possible to attain. No, I don't know, but I don't think it ever happened.

[Misa nods along numbly. Whether Lazarus is right or not, his monotone voice is soothing. There were plenty of times that she found it creepy or off-putting when they first met, but she has come to find a certain solace in how little it changes; even if she rises to hysterics, Lazarus will still be here with that same voice.]

That's good. Maybe... maybe it won't ever go that far.

[If he knew that she found his voice soothing, he'd think of more to say simply for the sake of soothing her. As it is he's worried that he's saying things that have ceased to make sense and alleviate both their misery and confusion.]

I think that we've already lived lives and even if we had an echo every week on average, we'd never get back a full life anyway. It's simply mathematically impossible.

[That coaxes a smile out of her. Leave it to Lazarus to solve problems of reincarnation with math.]

You're so smart.

[She presses an affectionate kiss to his cheek. Then her smile fades as she remembers that the woman who so gleefully discussed murdering L did the same thing.]

[Would they one day have no innocent gestures left?]

[Math is the final refuge of the complete and utter nerd, and Lazarus has defaulted to it more than once. If memories of his Other are anything to go by, he wasn't much different, and Lazarus simultaneously finds that disquieting and comforting. At the very least, it's a change he doesn't have to undergo.]

You're so kind.

[He reaches up to touch a strand of her hair.]

And we're both tired. We've had a good talk, haven't we? We wouldn't be going to bed angry.

I'm not angry; you're the one that has a reason to be angry.

[Misa sits up, then in one swift movement swings a leg over his hips to straddle him, and waits a moment. No echo. For any weaknesses their relationship may have, a healthy sex life has not been one of them. They've been together long enough that if there is a position her Other might have tried that they haven't, Misa can't think of it.]

[If an echo was going to be sparked by sex, it would have happened by now.]

[Misa thought she had decided for sure that her Other's relationship with L went no farther than a fake friendship, but after everything she just experienced... It's a small comfort to reassure herself they never slept together. Misa wouldn't put anything past a woman who could happily plot the death of a friend so easily. Of course, there was Light... a whole other can of worms.]

[It dawns on her that she has been wordlessly straddling Lazarus and staring at him while locked in her own head for an uncomfortable amount of time.]

You're... not angry?

[He's so tired, he just wants to close his eyes and sink into a deep and dreamless sleep, especially after Misa tells him he should be angry. Maybe that's true, but he doesn't want to be, and can't imagine that anyone would. It wastes precious seconds of a life that he is trying to embrace and love fully.

Misa's sudden move catches him off-guard, and he blinks up at her, surprised. He's not sure he likes the strange precedent they seem to have for sex just being the automatic answer to fixing everything, but they've at least talked about this. It's not been dropped to fester and burn unattended, at least. They've matured that way as a couple, right?]

I... don't know. I don't think so. I don't want to be.

... Thank you.

[As suddenly as she was on him she is moving back, lying next to him on the bed again. The two of them here, like this, is unique. Special to this life, special to the two of them. If nothing else, Misa can take a tiny bit of solace in that.]

[The echo and all ensuing emotions drained her considerably, but sleep seems like an invitation for disaster. Who wouldn't have nightmares after witnessing something like that? Losing herself, killing, a monster in the flesh; it's the perfect storm.]

What are you feeling?

[When she dismounts him and lies down next to him, he turns and looks at her, and tries to think of a way to answer that question.

Tired.

Sad.

Hurt...

He draws his knee up and uses it to gently nudge aside one of her legs, maneuvering himself so that their bodies align and their chests are pressed together. It's easier than speaking. It's difficult not to succumb to that deceptively intimate out.]

[Misa lets him part her legs, welcoming the intimacy though she hadn't expected it after his non-reaction a moment ago. She wonders vaguely if she's being a tease, and presses a kiss to his neck. It isn't exactly an answer to her question, but... it isn't nothing either.]

[If he knew what was in her mind, he would encourage her to think of it as a delayed reaction, rather than a non-reaction. He needs to hide behind it now, use it as a shield and a distraction from a difficult and painful question that is only going to get more raw and upsetting the longer they're here and going through these changes.

It's not nothing, and it might have to be good enough for tonight. Though his chest is tight and his throat is constricted, and a part of him feels hunted, it's easy enough to take the indication of something physically demanding and turn it into sexual expression. It's the same reason people get aroused in threatening or frightening situations sometimes... though it makes little logical sense, it's a biological response, as well as a reliable, warm, and welcoming outlet. He presses his lips against hers and presses her smaller form into the mattress with his own, visions in his mind of grinding them both to dust.]

Edited 2016-01-06 20:00 (UTC)

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[Video] Open to action for those in Shepherd's Haven

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