Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory [OPEN]

[solvethepuzzle]

Who: Nathan, and OPEN
Where: Shepherd's Haven
What: Nathan relives a really bad memory
When: September 22
Warnings: Possible mentions of suicide.


Even amidst all that is happening, at least a semblance of a normal life goes on. It has to. Nathan's day revolves more around tending the plants than the animals. It's soothing work, in its own way, if messier than what he'd been used to before the invasion. There is a predictable pattern to it all that he finds comforting.

He is already kneeling when the feeling hits him, fortunately. Like everything around him has suddenly changed. Instinctively, he curls inward, wishing to make himself smaller. This isn't right. Isn't right at all. What is he doing in this room that he knows is from another life?

Anyone who passes by will notice him hunched there, almost eerily still, except for his quiet speech, uncaring in tone . . . that seems to be directed at no one. Any attempt to shake him out of it will result in no reaction. And then a pause, for a couple of moments, a stricken look passing over his face. More quiet talking, but more subdued in nature this time.

And then suddenly he's back. Back in Shepherd's Haven, not in that room. That room where . . . where . . . No no no no no no . . .

He lets out a gasp, but it doesn't stop there. His eyes are wide, terrified. He's shaking, breathing hard, trying desperately to get himself under control. All in an open field where anyone could see him.


[[OOC: If anyone might be in position close enough to hear Nathan's end of this, the recurrence starts halfway through page 7 to the end of page 12. (Content warning for suicide.)]]

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[meteormercenary]

Jacob happens to be strolling nearby when he sees the kid curl up to himself. He keeps his distance, watching the kid to make sure he's okay. He'll stand and observe as he waits. And, when Nathan starts freaking out, he moves in at a fast but steady pace. He kneels down on one knee next to him, not making any effort to give the kid a physical touch. It looks like the kid is having a panic attack.

"Hey, are you okay? Do you need something to drink? Eat? Do we need to get you somewhere safe?"

He's not sure what caused the poor kid to trigger like this, but he'll do anything he can to help.

[solvethepuzzle]

Breathe. Breathe.

He can hear the voice, faintly, through the haze of fear. And he latches onto it, tries to force himself to concentrate on that rather than what he's just remembered. No. Not remembered. Experienced. That hadn't been just a memory.

Concentrate on the voice. Someone is here. Someone who has not suddenly dropped dead around him.

His breathing slows a little, enough for him to speak. "I . . . I don't know."

[oncedevil]

Well this is certainly something to walk in on on his first day back. And here Tony had been hoping to sneak back into town without anyone noticing him. He could probably still manage it, with the two of them distracted, but he can't just leave Nathan like that.

Even if he does already have help.

With a defeated sigh he beelines for the two, sauntering up with his hands shoved in his pockets. "'Ey Nathan," He drawls. Trying to act like nothing is weird about this at all. "You alright? Don't need to take weeding that seriously you know."

Ill timed jokes make everything better right?

[meteormercenary]

Jacob's head flicks up as Tony arrives, ill-timed joke in hand. Jacob's eye narrows a little. Not really the time to be making jokes, Tony. Though, he's rather surprised to see Tony here. And... apparently, Tony knows the kid. He stands up to square with Tony as much as possible.

"I think we need to get him somewhere else. He's had a panic attack. I don't know what triggered it, but he needs to feel safe."

Jacob pretends not to realize this means that the kid is probably a Numbered, too. Welcome to the family, Jacob.

[solvethepuzzle]

The joke may be ill-timed, but Nathan isn't paying attention to the content of what's being said. It's the voice that counts. A familiar one this time, a more solid anchor. He's here, not in that room full of corpses.

Perhaps most would be offended at being discussed as if they are not even present, but that is the last thing on Nathan's mind. Another deep breath, much steadier this time, an attempt to blank his expression, his usual safeguards against feeling overwhelmed.

"You're back."

Tony's is not a voice he would have expected to hear. He has been gone for nearly a month. Selfishly, he is glad for it. Family is more comforting than a stranger.

[oncedevil]

He just shoots Jacob a cocky grin (is that a fang?) and a wink. Yes, ill-timed and inappropriate but what better a way to diffuse a tense situation than shocking everyone out of it? He knows Nathan hates being the center of attention, especially when he's not feeling his best. Make Jacob angry at him and maybe Nathan can have a moment to regain his composure.

It's a strange dynamic.

Tony shifts and squats down near Nathan, filthy and exhausted from the road as he is he still manages to plaster on a friendly enough grin. "Yeah. So long as I'm still allowed. You wanna get out of here, or need another minute?"

Panic attacks are never fun, he knows this well. Sometimes it's just better to sit still for a little bit. Sorry Jacob, it's nothing against you, you're just the newcomer to this little gathering is all.

Speaking of Tony glances up at him. "Didn't expect to see you out here."

[meteormercenary]

Jacob notices the glimpse of a fang. But, the wink catches his attention more. Jacob might seriously be wondering for a second, there. He lets it slide without bringing either up. He watches Tony get near Nathan, and it's a soothing image to him. And, despite that his help was shrugged off, he feels the tension in his shoulders release at the sign of Nathan being able to slowly catch his breath.

They practically behave like brothers. A sweet thought.

Jacob raises his eyebrows at Tony's surprise. "It's still daylight. I don't have to be afraid of anything for the moment. Is it really that surprising?"

[solvethepuzzle]

It isn't that Jacob hadn't been at all helpful, but in vulnerable states, one clings most to what they find familiar. After a rocky, uncomfortable start, Nathan and Tony truly are brothers in all but blood.

"Your welcome has never been in question." At the moment, it does not occur to him to worry about what he's saying. The image of what he's just relived is the thing to run from, not Tony. "Just . . . another moment."

He will let them speak for a moment, while he finishes pulling himself together. How he is going to scrub the horrible image of this memory from his mind, he does not know. But he can at least make himself functional.

[oncedevil]

It's true, they really are. After all that they've been through together there's no way they wouldn't be. Blood isn't the only thing that forges brotherhood.

"Hmm," He sounds uncertain, but isn't willing to argue about it right now. He just remains crouched nearby, shoulders hunched and hands resting on his own knees. With the long coat he might almost look like some kind of awkward bird. "Take your time."

In the meantime he'll just be a silent offer for a shoulder when Nathan's feeling up to it. He'd ask, but now's really not the time. Instead he focuses on talking with Jacob. "Dunno, just didn't take you for the wandering around in the field sort. Glad you were, though."

He'd hate to think what would have happened had no one shown up.

[meteormercenary]

Jacob gives a small smile to Tony in acknowledgement.

"Fields are relaxing, and some have flowers. It's a nice place to think."

Although still concerned about Nathan, Jacob's unsure of anything he could offer since Tony showed up. Of course, he'll stick around just in case, but he might appear unsure, even standoffish.

"How's Lady?" he asks as he crouches down before taking a seat in the grass.

[solvethepuzzle]

To Nathan, it has never been in question, even as uneasy as he'd been about Tony's agitation levels, even as much as the events preceding his departure had frightened him. He certainly is not going to say that Tony has to leave.

Having the attention off of him is good, and hearing people talk also helps a great deal. This is what is real and happening now, they're not dead, not going to suddenly drop around him. That . . . well he can't say what he'd panicked over hadn't been real. It was an Echo. It was something that has happened. But a long time ago, to a person he no longer is.

He's much steadier now, even if his index finger winding into his hair is a sign that he is not completely at ease. What it at least indicates is that he has gotten it down to a manageable level. He can deal with this much, a lower grade of anxiety he is much more accustomed to living with. And enough for him to feel vaguely embarrassed that this is the first way a new person has seen him.

"I'm sorry. I do not usually get this bad."

Nathan has had panic attacks before, but perhaps not as frequently as one might think for someone with his anxiety issues. When something terrifies him sufficiently, his brain usually tries to swing in the completely opposite direction and keep him from feeling anything at all.

[oncedevil]

"Are they?" Tony sits up a little straighter, looking around as if trying to locate the source of this nice place to relax he's talking about. Just looks like dirt and grass to him, but he's not really the relaxing stroll in a meadow type either. "Well, you do like your plants."

He remembers the house full of plants. Not his style, but hey to each their own. "She's fine, tired out. We've been walking for a while now so I let her stay back for now." He'll go collect her once he's done here.

Tony is the one who ultimately decided he needed to leave, and continues to be that one. Nathan, most of all, might understand insecurities that make one do unusual things at least. At least Nathan finally looks a little more at ease, as much as he ever does anyway. Now that he had more of his composure about him Tony reaches out to offer an affectionate pat on his shoulder before standing. Well then, one crisis averted at least.

[meteormercenary]

"Quite." Jacob gives a light chuckle and a small smile at Tony's actions. To each their own, indeed. "What, don't tell me you forgot already." He says the last part a little teasingly, trying to learn his bluff from his and Tony's last conversation.

He nods at the response of Lady. "You're welcome to visit anytime, or if you need anything."

He turns toward Nathan. He seems to be doing better, which Jacob is glad for. The apology, though, makes Jacob tilt his head a little with a raised eyebrow.

"Sometimes things get the better of us, it's not a problem."

He watches Tony pat Nathan's shoulder before he gets up. Getting ready to leave, maybe? No, maybe not. His friend just barely recovered. He humours the thought of reaching Tony's level someday, being able to be that calming voice to his friends. Of course, he's got to actually make some friends in Shepherd's Haven, first. More than just a couple meetups or whims.

[numberedshepherd]

Lazarus doesn't know what the hell is happening today; one second he was getting out of the shower and drying off, the next he felt like he was between sleep and wakefulness, reliving an odd memory where a man's life was in danger and he had to do something about it, even if the plan was cobbled together, makeshift, and more than a little bit insane. It involved entertaining businessmen with models, lots of alcohol, handstands on guardrails, and a few disguises... and incredibly enough, it had worked.

It also leaves Lazarus fully clothed in a paramedic's uniform of all things. Apparently, he hadn't been exempt from wearing a disguise, even as the world's greatest computer detective. Mystified, he wanders out the door, hat and all, because if past experiences are any indicator, he's not the only person this has happened to, and he wants to talk to Nathan and Misa specifically about the experience. Perhaps they can compare notes, especially since Misa happened to be in this particular memory.

Nathan's not at home, but it doesn't take Lazarus long to track him down. It takes him one moment of looking to hasten his steps, rushing toward the diminutive, kneeling figure. He manages to get there in time to hear some of those soft words, they got us, something about the SPK, members having been killed.

"Nathan..." he's kneeling too, hands hesitant, then decisively reaching out to hold the younger man by his shoulders. Anything to become a protective shell for the boy echoing back his Other's successor, anything to shield him from whatever horror he just witnessed. "You're here, you're safe..."

[solvethepuzzle]

Nathan startles briefly at the touch, but slightly relaxes his shoulders immediately after. The voice is . . . right. Right, it's Lazarus. It isn't . . . He isn't . . . there.

He swallows, forces himself to slow his breathing, though it still comes out shaky. Wide-eyed, he just stares at the ground for a moment with only the occasional blink. The ground, not the floor. He's outside. He is not in that room. Focus on that. Concentrate.

He digs his fingers into the ground just to reassure himself that this, the safe place, is what is real. Breathe. Just breathe. And maybe in a minute he will be able to talk.

[numberedshepherd]

It looks like trauma, the tenseness under Lazarus' fingers feels like it. It's a deep and horrible kind of pain that's impossible to reach from the outside, and that in itself is highly frustrating for someone as committed to solving problems as Lazarus. He thinks that if Nathan was in his place, he'd have an equally difficult time, though... to be fair, he'd handled things marvelously when Lazarus was having all that trouble months ago as a result of pharmaceutical companies going through upheavals and big changes and screwing over people like him who relied on consistent pill production.

He and Tony had both been marvelous, and thinking on that twists his gut unpleasantly as he lowers himself from a crouch to a sitting position, joining Nathan in the soil and plant matter.

"I'm sorry. It must have been terrible," he says softly, attempting patience through his immense concern.

[solvethepuzzle]

Nathan hardly knows how he'd managed all that. It had been a difficult time for all of them, but Lazarus had been in the worst state. Maybe it was because he'd had Tony's help. Maybe it was just that he'd needed to do it and there had been no other choice but to do so. No choice but abandoning Lazarus, and that was nothing Nathan had considered to be a choice at all.

He closes his eyes, swallows again, concentrates on his breathing. Slowly. In and out.

Finally, voice quiet and small: "Most of them. They just died all around me."

Nathan usually takes pains to separate himself from his Other when he discusses his Echoes. The distancing helps. But it doesn't happen here. Because this hadn't been simply a memory of some horrible thing. It feels like it just occurred.

[numberedshepherd]

While it had been rough on everyone, and Lazarus had certainly had the most harrowing and dramatic apparent struggle, it isn't lost on him that madness has a way of liberating its sufferer from certain realities and responsibilities that caretakers have to deal with double-fold. Checking out meant that others had to check in, and "resting" from the world as others witnessed it meant running others ragged to the point of exhaustion. No one's struggle was superior... they were just different, and Lazarus recognizes it and dwells on it often. He's uncomfortable with what just a few off-kilter chemicals can do to him, reducing a levelheaded and emotionally invested genius to a tangled, broken mess of fear, anguish and doubt.

Feeling it's one thing. Seeing it now in Nathan inspires an infuriating kind of helplessness, and he gently rubs his back between his shoulderblades as if he's comforting someone who's just been ill.

"Who died?" he asks, keeping his voice quiet and gentle. "What is the SPK? I overheard some of what you were saying as I was approaching..."

[solvethepuzzle]

It's something of a miracle that Nathan doesn't feel physically ill. He probably should. But he doesn't. Just as well. He hardly needs that compounding things. The touch is grounding, and he keeps regulating his breathing.

"My -- his -- investigation team." Now that his head is swimming less, he forces himself to differentiate, at least in words if not in feeling. "Special Provision for Kira. All but him and three others . . . dead. Killed by the notebook."

Heart attacks, most of them. But one of them hadn't been. That one had been a self-inflicted gunshot to the head. He can still hear it going off if he thinks too hard. No. No, stop that. It's over. A lifetime away.

[numberedshepherd]

At least Nathan's breathing seems to be evening out. Lazarus notes that what he's doing seems to be helping, even if only minorly, and keeps rubbing his back gently. There's no rush, they're in no danger, just out here in a field where spring has demanded more time and effort.

He furrows his brow. Investigation team? Right, he realizes it must have been after L's death if Nathan's Other was in charge of one.

"I see... I think that anyone witnessing that would have a difficult time," he murmurs, thinking back to the time when he saw someone's brains blown out in front of him. Difficult, indeed. "Is it getting any better? Do you want more time? Take as much as you need, we're safe here."

Even with strange things like that happening, with no apparent trigger... what is going on, here?

[solvethepuzzle]

He relaxes his fingers, finally. "It's . . . somewhat better. I just need a few more minutes."

Anyone would have a difficult time . . . That's right. Even Near, cold as he was, had been affected by this. He remembers it, the vaguely saddened tone where he'd normally been unemotional. The minutely trembling fingers as he'd moved to start rebuilding the city of dice in front of him. Even someone that cold had not been immune.

A sigh, letting go of the tension. He opens his eyes, finally looking up at Lazarus. And he blinks mildly at the uniform. "You had one as well."

[numberedshepherd]

He nods, averting his eyes and preparing to wait it out even if Nathan needs more than just a few minutes to pull himself back together.

"I did," he replies. "I remembered saving someone from being killed and my Other needing to wear this as a disguise. I guess I didn't want to change out of it before checking to make sure you were OK... my feeling is that this is happening to a lot of Numbered, with the same amount of variation we've all come to know and love."

His tone is dry and mildly sarcastic.

[solvethepuzzle]

He reaches up to wind his fingers into his hair, uncaring of the dirt. It's a calming habit, and he needs that right now. Some small part of him feels a brief pang of bitterness; Lazarus gets to save someone in his while he has to witness half the people in the room with him drop dead. People he'd been responsible for.

But that feeling is gone as quickly as it comes. It isn't fair; they've both had plenty of awful ones. And they do not control what they get.

"And with no apparent trigger."

Nathan had not even been doing anything, had not encountered anything strange. This had simply come out of nowhere.

[numberedshepherd]

Lazarus' pleasant echoes are few and far between. He thinks that he deserves the ones like this which, which, while not necessarily gentle or reassuring, are at least fairly harmless.

"...for what it's worth... and I know this will in no way make you feel better... but when Moises was shot, the echo I got back was a lot like yours. I guess that Kira killed 12 FBI agents that L brought to Japan to investigate him, and he felt responsible for those lives."

Whether he felt genuinely bad isn't clear, but responsible, at least, seemed to have been the case.

"I think that our Others were only human. There was only so much death they could prevent when the stakes were that high."

[solvethepuzzle]

He nods solemnly, but Lazarus is right: it doesn't make him feel any better. Knowing that these things can happen despite best efforts is not a comforting thing at all. His investigators died, Mello died . . . The only thing anyone can do when they happen is find some way to deal with it.

"There was . . . talk of kidnappers. My Other had suspected there to be a spy connected to them in the SPK. Theorized that one of the dead was the spy, killed so they could not be traced back."

That had been Near's plan, too, he remembers now. But this had happened before he'd gotten to it.

But now that he is more clearheaded, something about the phrasing that Near had used jumps out at him. "... He never said it was Kira. About the kidnappers: 'Now that they've got the notebook.' As if it had recently changed hands."