Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory [OPEN]

[solvethepuzzle]

Who: Nathan, and OPEN
Where: Shepherd's Haven
What: Nathan relives a really bad memory
When: September 22
Warnings: Possible mentions of suicide.


Even amidst all that is happening, at least a semblance of a normal life goes on. It has to. Nathan's day revolves more around tending the plants than the animals. It's soothing work, in its own way, if messier than what he'd been used to before the invasion. There is a predictable pattern to it all that he finds comforting.

He is already kneeling when the feeling hits him, fortunately. Like everything around him has suddenly changed. Instinctively, he curls inward, wishing to make himself smaller. This isn't right. Isn't right at all. What is he doing in this room that he knows is from another life?

Anyone who passes by will notice him hunched there, almost eerily still, except for his quiet speech, uncaring in tone . . . that seems to be directed at no one. Any attempt to shake him out of it will result in no reaction. And then a pause, for a couple of moments, a stricken look passing over his face. More quiet talking, but more subdued in nature this time.

And then suddenly he's back. Back in Shepherd's Haven, not in that room. That room where . . . where . . . No no no no no no . . .

He lets out a gasp, but it doesn't stop there. His eyes are wide, terrified. He's shaking, breathing hard, trying desperately to get himself under control. All in an open field where anyone could see him.


[[OOC: If anyone might be in position close enough to hear Nathan's end of this, the recurrence starts halfway through page 7 to the end of page 12. (Content warning for suicide.)]]

Comments

[oncedevil]

He just shoots Jacob a cocky grin (is that a fang?) and a wink. Yes, ill-timed and inappropriate but what better a way to diffuse a tense situation than shocking everyone out of it? He knows Nathan hates being the center of attention, especially when he's not feeling his best. Make Jacob angry at him and maybe Nathan can have a moment to regain his composure.

It's a strange dynamic.

Tony shifts and squats down near Nathan, filthy and exhausted from the road as he is he still manages to plaster on a friendly enough grin. "Yeah. So long as I'm still allowed. You wanna get out of here, or need another minute?"

Panic attacks are never fun, he knows this well. Sometimes it's just better to sit still for a little bit. Sorry Jacob, it's nothing against you, you're just the newcomer to this little gathering is all.

Speaking of Tony glances up at him. "Didn't expect to see you out here."

[meteormercenary]

Jacob notices the glimpse of a fang. But, the wink catches his attention more. Jacob might seriously be wondering for a second, there. He lets it slide without bringing either up. He watches Tony get near Nathan, and it's a soothing image to him. And, despite that his help was shrugged off, he feels the tension in his shoulders release at the sign of Nathan being able to slowly catch his breath.

They practically behave like brothers. A sweet thought.

Jacob raises his eyebrows at Tony's surprise. "It's still daylight. I don't have to be afraid of anything for the moment. Is it really that surprising?"

[solvethepuzzle]

It isn't that Jacob hadn't been at all helpful, but in vulnerable states, one clings most to what they find familiar. After a rocky, uncomfortable start, Nathan and Tony truly are brothers in all but blood.

"Your welcome has never been in question." At the moment, it does not occur to him to worry about what he's saying. The image of what he's just relived is the thing to run from, not Tony. "Just . . . another moment."

He will let them speak for a moment, while he finishes pulling himself together. How he is going to scrub the horrible image of this memory from his mind, he does not know. But he can at least make himself functional.

[oncedevil]

It's true, they really are. After all that they've been through together there's no way they wouldn't be. Blood isn't the only thing that forges brotherhood.

"Hmm," He sounds uncertain, but isn't willing to argue about it right now. He just remains crouched nearby, shoulders hunched and hands resting on his own knees. With the long coat he might almost look like some kind of awkward bird. "Take your time."

In the meantime he'll just be a silent offer for a shoulder when Nathan's feeling up to it. He'd ask, but now's really not the time. Instead he focuses on talking with Jacob. "Dunno, just didn't take you for the wandering around in the field sort. Glad you were, though."

He'd hate to think what would have happened had no one shown up.

[meteormercenary]

Jacob gives a small smile to Tony in acknowledgement.

"Fields are relaxing, and some have flowers. It's a nice place to think."

Although still concerned about Nathan, Jacob's unsure of anything he could offer since Tony showed up. Of course, he'll stick around just in case, but he might appear unsure, even standoffish.

"How's Lady?" he asks as he crouches down before taking a seat in the grass.

[solvethepuzzle]

To Nathan, it has never been in question, even as uneasy as he'd been about Tony's agitation levels, even as much as the events preceding his departure had frightened him. He certainly is not going to say that Tony has to leave.

Having the attention off of him is good, and hearing people talk also helps a great deal. This is what is real and happening now, they're not dead, not going to suddenly drop around him. That . . . well he can't say what he'd panicked over hadn't been real. It was an Echo. It was something that has happened. But a long time ago, to a person he no longer is.

He's much steadier now, even if his index finger winding into his hair is a sign that he is not completely at ease. What it at least indicates is that he has gotten it down to a manageable level. He can deal with this much, a lower grade of anxiety he is much more accustomed to living with. And enough for him to feel vaguely embarrassed that this is the first way a new person has seen him.

"I'm sorry. I do not usually get this bad."

Nathan has had panic attacks before, but perhaps not as frequently as one might think for someone with his anxiety issues. When something terrifies him sufficiently, his brain usually tries to swing in the completely opposite direction and keep him from feeling anything at all.

[oncedevil]

"Are they?" Tony sits up a little straighter, looking around as if trying to locate the source of this nice place to relax he's talking about. Just looks like dirt and grass to him, but he's not really the relaxing stroll in a meadow type either. "Well, you do like your plants."

He remembers the house full of plants. Not his style, but hey to each their own. "She's fine, tired out. We've been walking for a while now so I let her stay back for now." He'll go collect her once he's done here.

Tony is the one who ultimately decided he needed to leave, and continues to be that one. Nathan, most of all, might understand insecurities that make one do unusual things at least. At least Nathan finally looks a little more at ease, as much as he ever does anyway. Now that he had more of his composure about him Tony reaches out to offer an affectionate pat on his shoulder before standing. Well then, one crisis averted at least.

[meteormercenary]

"Quite." Jacob gives a light chuckle and a small smile at Tony's actions. To each their own, indeed. "What, don't tell me you forgot already." He says the last part a little teasingly, trying to learn his bluff from his and Tony's last conversation.

He nods at the response of Lady. "You're welcome to visit anytime, or if you need anything."

He turns toward Nathan. He seems to be doing better, which Jacob is glad for. The apology, though, makes Jacob tilt his head a little with a raised eyebrow.

"Sometimes things get the better of us, it's not a problem."

He watches Tony pat Nathan's shoulder before he gets up. Getting ready to leave, maybe? No, maybe not. His friend just barely recovered. He humours the thought of reaching Tony's level someday, being able to be that calming voice to his friends. Of course, he's got to actually make some friends in Shepherd's Haven, first. More than just a couple meetups or whims.

[solvethepuzzle]

One day, Nathan might learn to stop apologizing so much. Stop apologizing for things that don't need it, or aren't his fault . . . Maybe. But a day like that is a long way off.

"It was just . . . a bad Echo." Which is about the extent to which he is willing to discuss anything at the moment. Too soon to go into detail about it with anyone. And his feelings about this Echo are likely to only get worse once his brain stops obsessing over the deaths and he remembers the remarkably callous words he'd spoken. "I do appreciate your stopping to help."

He pushes himself up, and standing hardly does anything to alter any perception that he is a kid. Half a foot shorter than Tony, clothes that are obviously too big for him.

[oncedevil]

Look at you, Jacob, learning the ways. Tony gives a nonchalant shrug. "It's been a while." Just a month, Tony, you big fat liar. As for the bit about visiting. "Sure, thanks." Not right now. He's got a lot of things to deal with right now and sweet as Jacob is, it's not exactly something you lay on someone you just met.

Or. Anyone, for that matter.

It's strange, in a way, the balance between his calming demeanor and that monster that rages just beneath the surface. He's calm now, lucid, but there are times when he's twitchy and feral and no one wants to be anywhere near him. Hell, he doesn't want to be near him. "You wanna head back anywhere?" Home, the town hall? Wherever it is they normally hang out, maybe?

He'll not ask about the echo, not right now. Maybe later when they're alone and Nathan's had some time to mull it over. Or not, some things are better left unspoken.

Also it doesn't help that Tony's rather built like a tank these days.

[meteormercenary]

"If you consider a month a while," Jacob points out, but gives a smile anyway.

There's the Echo word again. That must have been one Hell of a nasty one for the kid to go into a panic attack like that. But, he doesn't bother to press it. If Tony's not going to, he certainly won't. He wouldn't feel like it was his place to do so. He gives Nathan a nod all the same.

As Tony offers to be a personal escort, Jacob checks to see if he can be of anymore use.

"Anything I can do to help?"

If he's not needed, he supposes he'll leave. Three's a crowd and all that jazz.

[solvethepuzzle]

He's had bad ones before, but they hadn't been like this, like they'd actually just happened. That sensation of being in the moment rather than just remembering it . . . Nathan never wants to have one like this again.

He ponders the questions for a moment. He certainly doesn't want to be alone right now, not after that. But there is something else that also calms him, that he finds himself craving. And that other thing is something he will only be able to indulge in one place.

"Home, I think is best." He doesn't have to be by himself there, and it has everything else he needs. "If you have something else you need to do, please don't feel obligated. I am sure I'll be fine eventually."

He won't object to additional company with how he is feeling, but he doesn't want Jacob to feel responsible for looking after him. That isn't something to inflict upon a new acquaintance if they do not want it.

[oncedevil]

"It kinda is?" Maybe he just had a different opinion on what consisted of 'a while'. Felt longer, in many ways, but it's been a stressful month. Not that Jacob would know about that.

Now that Nathan's a little more certain of what he wants, Tony nods. "Sure. Want some company?" He glances between Jacob and Nathan, it's Nate's home so the decision is up to him if Jacob is welcome or not. "I've got some time."

Before he needs to leave again. Tony isn't quite ready to deal with everything yet, so doesn't want to risk getting caught in Shepard's Haven by too many people. He'll make a detour on Nathan's behalf, though.

[meteormercenary]

Jacob glances back at Tony, then looks at Nathan. He gives a smile. Obligated is never a word in his dictionary, it would seem. But, he's not sure if he's welcome amoungst two people who's friendship may be longer than the amount of time he's been in Shepherd's Haven. Besides, it sounded like the two had catching up to do.

"As long as you're sure you're alright," he says, sounding a little unsure. What that uncertainty is directed toward, he's not even fully sure himself. He straightens himself out and prepares to leave. He stops before he turns, though. "I can't guarantee I'm as good as Tony for your needs, but if he can't get to you, you can call me if you need. Tony has my Number, he can get ahold of me."

He's not too keen on giving out his Number to people he's not sure he likes yet. Tony was kind of a special circumstance, because the company was so nice when they first met. Plus, Lady's lovable face.

[solvethepuzzle]

Nathan is open to it, which might say something about how unsettled he is. Generally, his safe places are the ones away from new people . . . and often people as a whole. When he's frightened, he retreats. But he needs company to help distance himself from the Echo. He'd just experienced people dying all around him; not being alone will help a lot.

"It's fine, really. I'll make a note of it." He isn't put off by how cagey Jacob is being. Nathan himself hadn't made himself known to other Numbered for approximately two months.

To Tony: "I would rather not be by myself right now."

[oncedevil]

Jacob is actually a welcome distraction from certain elephants in the room, so he'd be more than happy to bring him along. And if Nathan's wanting more company, well, better take advantage of it while it's there. Really must've been a doozey of an echo if that's the case, being as he knows all about Nate's reclusive nature.

"Where do you think you're going?" Tony drawls in Jacob's direction. Not leaving much room for him to question whether or not he's invited. There are a couple reasons behind it, one of which being if Tony needs to leave suddenly, at least Jacob will still be around. "Well come on you two, let's get out of here before someone tries to figure out why a bunch of sheep are loose in the field."

You know, white-hair party? Wow that was a sad joke.

[meteormercenary]

Jacob stares dumbfounded for a second, called out on his leaving, and rather surprised that he's actually asked to stick around.

"Uh... Nowhere." He smiles sheepishly. He nods at Tony's urging and catches up with the group. "Sheep? Really, Tony? Couldn't you have come up with better material for the month you've been gone? At least say, 'Before people wonder why the fog is settling in.'" Not that his is much better. But he'll pester the sheep comment, anyway.

Even still, Jacob's a bit happier that he gets to tag along. Although coincidence that he would meet Tony in a field twice, he gets a glimpse at another part of his friend's life.

[solvethepuzzle]

Nathan is hardly one to criticize anyone's jokes, being that he so rarely makes them himself. His mouth does twitch upward in a brief smile, though. Who says jokes have to be good to be amusing?

Shepherd's Haven being as small as it is, the walk only takes a few minutes. Nathan goes first, being that it's his house and the fact that he may be one of the few residents that bothers to lock his door. Just for his own overactive sense of security rather than an actual mistrust of anyone in the village. He is small and weak; he needs to feel safe.

The house is hardly anything special. Simple, neatly kept. Perhaps even excessively neat. Everything gives the impression of being incredibly organized . . . right down to the toys lined on the shelves, the majority of them being robot action figures. Even the partially-built Lego castle on the living room table is incredibly precise, no stray pieces lying about.

[oncedevil]

It would be rude to drive Jacob off now, being as he'd so thoughtfully stopped to give Nathan a hand. He may not like being very open about being Numbered, but it's still good to have a small support network around who knows what's going on. And you can't get that without talking to anyone.

"Sorry," He gives a nonchalant shrug. "Thinking up new jokes wasn't high on my priorities list." He was kind of busy being sullen and grouchy. "Besides, it's too hot for fog it wouldn't make any sense." And sheep does? Tony please.

As expected, Nathan keeps an almost unnaturally tidy house. Not quite as bad as Lazarus, but still pretty bad. Really, who builds a castle like that? Even though it is pretty cool and Tony's a little jealous. Man, he misses his game.

[meteormercenary]

"And it's too weird for sheep," Jacob tosses in. He would comment that maybe it should be a priority for him, but Jacob doesn't really work on his own material, so he just leaves it at that.

Jacob's expression moves to both a sense of amazement and yet almost eerie, as they enter the home. Definitely nothing like his, cluttered with plants. The over-organization sets him at a level of which he's not sure what to think. Maybe odd for someone who looks so young, and it doesn't help that Nathan occupies toys. And yet, Jacob can't help if he gawks around a bit. He takes careful measures to follow Tony's, and especially Nathan's, lead. If a house is this tidy, he doesn't want to create any unpleasant experiences for someone he's just barely met.

As he looks around the living space, he does wonder just how old Nathan is. He does look young, but he doesn't really peg Nathan for a kid-kid. Plus, he's never met a child that would keep anything this tidy, and it looks like Nathan lives alone.

Not sure of what to say, he'll observe for the time being.

[solvethepuzzle]

Frankly, if Jacob puts Nathan in his mid-teens, he already does better than half the people Nathan meets.

It doesn't occur to Nathan that anyone might find anything about how he lives to be eerie. But his precise cleanliness and the prominence of the toys really don't quite mesh as far as being normal is concerned. He has never been normal, and since becoming Numbered he is even less so. That is, after all, why there are so many toys around in the first place.

Something that also does not occur to him is to offer his guests anything. He hardly even knows how this works. Instead, he seats himself on the couch in front of the living room table, and slides a box of Lego out from underneath it.

"The two of you have met before." Maybe it's a bit of a clumsy way to get himself into the conversation, but Nathan hardly ever knows what he's doing in regard to talking to people. Besides, it is something that he had picked up on while he'd been calming himself.

He considers the Lego castle for a few seconds. Ah, right. He'd been working on the blue section. And so he picks out a blue brick and starts building again. No handfuls of bricks. Just picking them out one at a time, placing each one before getting another. Precisely everything about this is much too methodical.

[oncedevil]

"How's it weird? We raise sheep out here you know." We, or at least, once he was the 'we'. Now Tony isn't so certain, though he knows it's entirely on his own head and no one else's. He's the one who can't be content, he's the one who cannot find peace or restfulness. It isn't anyone else's fault, nor anyone else's duty to fix but his own.

He just doesn't know how. But enough of those thoughts, he shoves them aside and flashes a smile that's a little lackluster and doesn't quite meet his eyes. There's a lot on his shoulders coming back here, and Jacob's a welcome distraction from all of that.

A few beats once they're inside, it looks like Nathan isn't going to try to direct them anywhere, so Tony just goes to help himself to the fridge. Got anything to snack on, Nate? He's hungry. "Yeah, last month when I was..." He pauses, the awkwardness could be cut with a knife here. "On my way out of town." He finishes, then goes back to rummaging.

Yeah that's a subject he doesn't really feel like touching on right now, oops.

[meteormercenary]

"Because sheep don't like each other. They just put up with each other because they're too lazy to do anything else. At least fog mingles with everything." And then Jacob turned a joke into a philosophical metaphor. Good job, Jacob.

He sees Tony's smile, and it makes him pause for a moment. Was something wrong? Jacob thought about asking, but something told him he shouldn't. Not for now, anyway. Maybe he'd text him on the Network later and see if he was okay.

Jacob muses at Nathan and his castle. It's incredible. He politely finds himself a seat and observes. This is like something out of A Beautiful Mind. How long has Nathan been working on it?

Jacob nods with Tony's answer. "Yea, he was helping me out when I was walking home one evening. It turned into coffee and conversation. Tony's a pretty good guy."

[solvethepuzzle]

You know Nathan and his social failings, right Tony? However, he takes no offense at Tony opening up the fridge; he is welcome to whatever is in there. It's fairly well-stocked, which can be taken multiple ways, actually. Yes, he has enough food to sustain him, but Nathan also tends to forget to eat more than once a day unless someone reminds him.

His hand stops halfway to putting a new block in place when Tony mentions when he and Jacob had met. Oh. Well, that is . . . They'll just not discuss that. The goal here is to reduce anxiety and that topic will probably do no such thing.

"Yes, he is." But that much he will say, because he still believes it even if Tony might not.

And he resumes building, each brick clicking softly into place. The repetitive sound and motion soothes him, calms his nerves. This particular project had been started last night. It is much further along than perhaps it should be, considering that. Nathan is a tad obsessive.

[oncedevil]

"What do you mean sheep don't like each other? They aren't that dumb," Admittedly, they are pretty dumb. But not that dumb. This conversation no longer makes sense he wants off the ride.

Tony will just content himself with scrounging around in the fridge, settling on an apple for now. He'll probably end up digging around in there again unless someone stops him.

"Pfeh," Is his only response to the assessment. It'd be rude to argue, but he can't agree either. So he'll just make non-committal noises. Finally he rejoins them, plopping down on the floor to stretch out his legs. He's dirty, doesn't want to get dirt all over Nathan's clean furniture.