raisetheearth | Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory [OPEN]

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Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory [OPEN]

Who: Nathan, and OPEN
Where: Shepherd's Haven
What: Nathan relives a really bad memory
When: September 22
Warnings: Possible mentions of suicide.

Even amidst all that is happening, at least a semblance of a normal life goes on. It has to. Nathan's day revolves more around tending the plants than the animals. It's soothing work, in its own way, if messier than what he'd been used to before the invasion. There is a predictable pattern to it all that he finds comforting.

He is already kneeling when the feeling hits him, fortunately. Like everything around him has suddenly changed. Instinctively, he curls inward, wishing to make himself smaller. This isn't right. Isn't right at all. What is he doing in this room that he knows is from another life?

Anyone who passes by will notice him hunched there, almost eerily still, except for his quiet speech, uncaring in tone . . . that seems to be directed at no one. Any attempt to shake him out of it will result in no reaction. And then a pause, for a couple of moments, a stricken look passing over his face. More quiet talking, but more subdued in nature this time.

And then suddenly he's back. Back in Shepherd's Haven, not in that room. That room where . . . where . . . No no no no no no . . .

He lets out a gasp, but it doesn't stop there. His eyes are wide, terrified. He's shaking, breathing hard, trying desperately to get himself under control. All in an open field where anyone could see him.

[[OOC: If anyone might be in position close enough to hear Nathan's end of this, the recurrence starts halfway through page 7 to the end of page 12. (Content warning for suicide.)]]

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"Quite." Jacob gives a light chuckle and a small smile at Tony's actions. To each their own, indeed. "What, don't tell me you forgot already." He says the last part a little teasingly, trying to learn his bluff from his and Tony's last conversation.

He nods at the response of Lady. "You're welcome to visit anytime, or if you need anything."

He turns toward Nathan. He seems to be doing better, which Jacob is glad for. The apology, though, makes Jacob tilt his head a little with a raised eyebrow.

"Sometimes things get the better of us, it's not a problem."

He watches Tony pat Nathan's shoulder before he gets up. Getting ready to leave, maybe? No, maybe not. His friend just barely recovered. He humours the thought of reaching Tony's level someday, being able to be that calming voice to his friends. Of course, he's got to actually make some friends in Shepherd's Haven, first. More than just a couple meetups or whims.

One day, Nathan might learn to stop apologizing so much. Stop apologizing for things that don't need it, or aren't his fault . . . Maybe. But a day like that is a long way off.

"It was just . . . a bad Echo." Which is about the extent to which he is willing to discuss anything at the moment. Too soon to go into detail about it with anyone. And his feelings about this Echo are likely to only get worse once his brain stops obsessing over the deaths and he remembers the remarkably callous words he'd spoken. "I do appreciate your stopping to help."

He pushes himself up, and standing hardly does anything to alter any perception that he is a kid. Half a foot shorter than Tony, clothes that are obviously too big for him.

Look at you, Jacob, learning the ways. Tony gives a nonchalant shrug. "It's been a while." Just a month, Tony, you big fat liar. As for the bit about visiting. "Sure, thanks." Not right now. He's got a lot of things to deal with right now and sweet as Jacob is, it's not exactly something you lay on someone you just met.

Or. Anyone, for that matter.

It's strange, in a way, the balance between his calming demeanor and that monster that rages just beneath the surface. He's calm now, lucid, but there are times when he's twitchy and feral and no one wants to be anywhere near him. Hell, he doesn't want to be near him. "You wanna head back anywhere?" Home, the town hall? Wherever it is they normally hang out, maybe?

He'll not ask about the echo, not right now. Maybe later when they're alone and Nathan's had some time to mull it over. Or not, some things are better left unspoken.

Also it doesn't help that Tony's rather built like a tank these days.

"If you consider a month a while," Jacob points out, but gives a smile anyway.

There's the Echo word again. That must have been one Hell of a nasty one for the kid to go into a panic attack like that. But, he doesn't bother to press it. If Tony's not going to, he certainly won't. He wouldn't feel like it was his place to do so. He gives Nathan a nod all the same.

As Tony offers to be a personal escort, Jacob checks to see if he can be of anymore use.

"Anything I can do to help?"

If he's not needed, he supposes he'll leave. Three's a crowd and all that jazz.

He's had bad ones before, but they hadn't been like this, like they'd actually just happened. That sensation of being in the moment rather than just remembering it . . . Nathan never wants to have one like this again.

He ponders the questions for a moment. He certainly doesn't want to be alone right now, not after that. But there is something else that also calms him, that he finds himself craving. And that other thing is something he will only be able to indulge in one place.

"Home, I think is best." He doesn't have to be by himself there, and it has everything else he needs. "If you have something else you need to do, please don't feel obligated. I am sure I'll be fine eventually."

He won't object to additional company with how he is feeling, but he doesn't want Jacob to feel responsible for looking after him. That isn't something to inflict upon a new acquaintance if they do not want it.

"It kinda is?" Maybe he just had a different opinion on what consisted of 'a while'. Felt longer, in many ways, but it's been a stressful month. Not that Jacob would know about that.

Now that Nathan's a little more certain of what he wants, Tony nods. "Sure. Want some company?" He glances between Jacob and Nathan, it's Nate's home so the decision is up to him if Jacob is welcome or not. "I've got some time."

Before he needs to leave again. Tony isn't quite ready to deal with everything yet, so doesn't want to risk getting caught in Shepard's Haven by too many people. He'll make a detour on Nathan's behalf, though.

Jacob glances back at Tony, then looks at Nathan. He gives a smile. Obligated is never a word in his dictionary, it would seem. But, he's not sure if he's welcome amoungst two people who's friendship may be longer than the amount of time he's been in Shepherd's Haven. Besides, it sounded like the two had catching up to do.

"As long as you're sure you're alright," he says, sounding a little unsure. What that uncertainty is directed toward, he's not even fully sure himself. He straightens himself out and prepares to leave. He stops before he turns, though. "I can't guarantee I'm as good as Tony for your needs, but if he can't get to you, you can call me if you need. Tony has my Number, he can get ahold of me."

He's not too keen on giving out his Number to people he's not sure he likes yet. Tony was kind of a special circumstance, because the company was so nice when they first met. Plus, Lady's lovable face.

Nathan is open to it, which might say something about how unsettled he is. Generally, his safe places are the ones away from new people . . . and often people as a whole. When he's frightened, he retreats. But he needs company to help distance himself from the Echo. He'd just experienced people dying all around him; not being alone will help a lot.

"It's fine, really. I'll make a note of it." He isn't put off by how cagey Jacob is being. Nathan himself hadn't made himself known to other Numbered for approximately two months.

To Tony: "I would rather not be by myself right now."

Jacob is actually a welcome distraction from certain elephants in the room, so he'd be more than happy to bring him along. And if Nathan's wanting more company, well, better take advantage of it while it's there. Really must've been a doozey of an echo if that's the case, being as he knows all about Nate's reclusive nature.

"Where do you think you're going?" Tony drawls in Jacob's direction. Not leaving much room for him to question whether or not he's invited. There are a couple reasons behind it, one of which being if Tony needs to leave suddenly, at least Jacob will still be around. "Well come on you two, let's get out of here before someone tries to figure out why a bunch of sheep are loose in the field."

You know, white-hair party? Wow that was a sad joke.

Jacob stares dumbfounded for a second, called out on his leaving, and rather surprised that he's actually asked to stick around.

"Uh... Nowhere." He smiles sheepishly. He nods at Tony's urging and catches up with the group. "Sheep? Really, Tony? Couldn't you have come up with better material for the month you've been gone? At least say, 'Before people wonder why the fog is settling in.'" Not that his is much better. But he'll pester the sheep comment, anyway.

Even still, Jacob's a bit happier that he gets to tag along. Although coincidence that he would meet Tony in a field twice, he gets a glimpse at another part of his friend's life.

Nathan is hardly one to criticize anyone's jokes, being that he so rarely makes them himself. His mouth does twitch upward in a brief smile, though. Who says jokes have to be good to be amusing?

Shepherd's Haven being as small as it is, the walk only takes a few minutes. Nathan goes first, being that it's his house and the fact that he may be one of the few residents that bothers to lock his door. Just for his own overactive sense of security rather than an actual mistrust of anyone in the village. He is small and weak; he needs to feel safe.

The house is hardly anything special. Simple, neatly kept. Perhaps even excessively neat. Everything gives the impression of being incredibly organized . . . right down to the toys lined on the shelves, the majority of them being robot action figures. Even the partially-built Lego castle on the living room table is incredibly precise, no stray pieces lying about.

It would be rude to drive Jacob off now, being as he'd so thoughtfully stopped to give Nathan a hand. He may not like being very open about being Numbered, but it's still good to have a small support network around who knows what's going on. And you can't get that without talking to anyone.

"Sorry," He gives a nonchalant shrug. "Thinking up new jokes wasn't high on my priorities list." He was kind of busy being sullen and grouchy. "Besides, it's too hot for fog it wouldn't make any sense." And sheep does? Tony please.

As expected, Nathan keeps an almost unnaturally tidy house. Not quite as bad as Lazarus, but still pretty bad. Really, who builds a castle like that? Even though it is pretty cool and Tony's a little jealous. Man, he misses his game.

"And it's too weird for sheep," Jacob tosses in. He would comment that maybe it should be a priority for him, but Jacob doesn't really work on his own material, so he just leaves it at that.

Jacob's expression moves to both a sense of amazement and yet almost eerie, as they enter the home. Definitely nothing like his, cluttered with plants. The over-organization sets him at a level of which he's not sure what to think. Maybe odd for someone who looks so young, and it doesn't help that Nathan occupies toys. And yet, Jacob can't help if he gawks around a bit. He takes careful measures to follow Tony's, and especially Nathan's, lead. If a house is this tidy, he doesn't want to create any unpleasant experiences for someone he's just barely met.

As he looks around the living space, he does wonder just how old Nathan is. He does look young, but he doesn't really peg Nathan for a kid-kid. Plus, he's never met a child that would keep anything this tidy, and it looks like Nathan lives alone.

Not sure of what to say, he'll observe for the time being.

Edited 2015-09-24 23:32 (UTC)

Frankly, if Jacob puts Nathan in his mid-teens, he already does better than half the people Nathan meets.

It doesn't occur to Nathan that anyone might find anything about how he lives to be eerie. But his precise cleanliness and the prominence of the toys really don't quite mesh as far as being normal is concerned. He has never been normal, and since becoming Numbered he is even less so. That is, after all, why there are so many toys around in the first place.

Something that also does not occur to him is to offer his guests anything. He hardly even knows how this works. Instead, he seats himself on the couch in front of the living room table, and slides a box of Lego out from underneath it.

"The two of you have met before." Maybe it's a bit of a clumsy way to get himself into the conversation, but Nathan hardly ever knows what he's doing in regard to talking to people. Besides, it is something that he had picked up on while he'd been calming himself.

He considers the Lego castle for a few seconds. Ah, right. He'd been working on the blue section. And so he picks out a blue brick and starts building again. No handfuls of bricks. Just picking them out one at a time, placing each one before getting another. Precisely everything about this is much too methodical.

Edited 2015-09-25 01:37 (UTC)

"How's it weird? We raise sheep out here you know." We, or at least, once he was the 'we'. Now Tony isn't so certain, though he knows it's entirely on his own head and no one else's. He's the one who can't be content, he's the one who cannot find peace or restfulness. It isn't anyone else's fault, nor anyone else's duty to fix but his own.

He just doesn't know how. But enough of those thoughts, he shoves them aside and flashes a smile that's a little lackluster and doesn't quite meet his eyes. There's a lot on his shoulders coming back here, and Jacob's a welcome distraction from all of that.

A few beats once they're inside, it looks like Nathan isn't going to try to direct them anywhere, so Tony just goes to help himself to the fridge. Got anything to snack on, Nate? He's hungry. "Yeah, last month when I was..." He pauses, the awkwardness could be cut with a knife here. "On my way out of town." He finishes, then goes back to rummaging.

Yeah that's a subject he doesn't really feel like touching on right now, oops.

"Because sheep don't like each other. They just put up with each other because they're too lazy to do anything else. At least fog mingles with everything." And then Jacob turned a joke into a philosophical metaphor. Good job, Jacob.

He sees Tony's smile, and it makes him pause for a moment. Was something wrong? Jacob thought about asking, but something told him he shouldn't. Not for now, anyway. Maybe he'd text him on the Network later and see if he was okay.

Jacob muses at Nathan and his castle. It's incredible. He politely finds himself a seat and observes. This is like something out of A Beautiful Mind. How long has Nathan been working on it?

Jacob nods with Tony's answer. "Yea, he was helping me out when I was walking home one evening. It turned into coffee and conversation. Tony's a pretty good guy."

You know Nathan and his social failings, right Tony? However, he takes no offense at Tony opening up the fridge; he is welcome to whatever is in there. It's fairly well-stocked, which can be taken multiple ways, actually. Yes, he has enough food to sustain him, but Nathan also tends to forget to eat more than once a day unless someone reminds him.

His hand stops halfway to putting a new block in place when Tony mentions when he and Jacob had met. Oh. Well, that is . . . They'll just not discuss that. The goal here is to reduce anxiety and that topic will probably do no such thing.

"Yes, he is." But that much he will say, because he still believes it even if Tony might not.

And he resumes building, each brick clicking softly into place. The repetitive sound and motion soothes him, calms his nerves. This particular project had been started last night. It is much further along than perhaps it should be, considering that. Nathan is a tad obsessive.

Edited 2015-09-25 04:29 (UTC)

"What do you mean sheep don't like each other? They aren't that dumb," Admittedly, they are pretty dumb. But not that dumb. This conversation no longer makes sense he wants off the ride.

Tony will just content himself with scrounging around in the fridge, settling on an apple for now. He'll probably end up digging around in there again unless someone stops him.

"Pfeh," Is his only response to the assessment. It'd be rude to argue, but he can't agree either. So he'll just make non-committal noises. Finally he rejoins them, plopping down on the floor to stretch out his legs. He's dirty, doesn't want to get dirt all over Nathan's clean furniture.

Jacob begs to differ. He's pretty sure sheep hate each other, like they're solitary animals forced into a flock. Has Tony never looked at the annoyed faces of a flock of sheep?

He looks at Tony as he sits on the floor. Weird place for anyone to sit; he actually gives a puzzled stare. Although, being in Nathan's house, it's already been quite a bit of a strange day for him.

"So, how did you two meet?"

Kind of an awkward question, but he thinks it better than just the awkward silence.

Nathan won't stop him; he has little problem sharing his food so that someone else can be adequately sustained. In certain ways, Tony sort of needs it more than he does.

On the furniture or on the floor makes no real difference to Nathan. It's hardly as though he does not do a regular, thorough cleaning of his house. He may be less neurotic than Lazarus about that, but only marginally. No mess lasts very long here.

Click, click. Yet more bricks added while Nathan figures out just how to answer that question. Because yes, it is a bit awkward. Both the circumstances behind the meeting and especially the meeting itself. That it had turned out at all well in the end is almost miraculous.

"Through a mutual connection on the network," he says finally. An awkward answer for an awkward question. It kind of sounds too clinical, but this is probably the least strange way to say it.

It's better than saying that Lazarus arranged it because he had desperately wanted the two of them to be friends so he knew everyone would be okay if he died? Perhaps?

Wouldn't you be annoyed if you had to eat grass all day, then get randomly sheared by some weird ape creatures? You'd probably look annoyed too.

Keeping himself full has become a bit of a habit for Tony, a preventative measure for the good of everyone around him. He's teetering on a fairly constant precipice between normal behavior, and downright feral. It's really just a bandage over a larger problem, but it's the best he can do on the fly.

"Hnph," Is Tony's response to Nathan's answer. "Something like that." It really was probably the most awkward situation in the history of awkward. Honestly it's amazing they did end up friends despite it all. Lazarus trying too hard, Tony and his volatile temper and insecurities, Nathan and his own insecurities... It was a bad day.

He's just going to ignore any strange looks and continue lounging on the floor like this is perfectly normal. Crunch crunch, apples are tasty. Honestly Tony doesn't mind silence, but it's probably awkward for others yeah.

Jacob observes Tony's... reaction to Nathan's answer and can't help but raise a questioning brow. However, he assumes there's a reason for the vague responses. He won't press for an answer if it's uncomfortable for either of them. He supposes what matters is that they did become such close friends.

"I see," he says, trying to think of something else to get a conversation going. He watches as Nathan clicks more bricks into place, almost mesmerized. It almost impresses him that two such different people could become such good friends. Opposites really do attract.

"So, anything... interesting, lately?" Aside from the incident in the field, that is.

Nathan can guess at some of the reason for Tony's reaction. He doubts Tony has been in contact with Lazarus at all in weeks, and seeing as Lazarus is that mutual connection . . . well. Again, not something either of them is willing to bring up more explicitly.

He stops momentarily, regards the castle. That's the blue section done. Now onto the yellow.

"Echoes aside, my life is not terribly exciting."

Yes, he's . . . not very good at this whole casual conversation thing.

He hasn't. Nathan's the only one that knows Tony's even back in town, and he and Nux are the only two, aside from Jacob, that he's really spoken to since the fallout. Sure he briefly tried to talk to Lazarus but that went about as well as expected. Tony's busy being a volatile and angry teenager he doesn't have time for logic and reason. And he especially doesn't have time to do what everyone else wants him to.

Rebellious and all that jazz.

"Not a whole lot going on right now. Probably a bad sign, all things considered." Other than the weird echo thing that seems to be going around. The Network is lively enough with it, and it's suspicious but nothing they can really address themselves. Being Numbered is stupid: the novel. "What about you? Business doing alright?"

"A bad sign? How's that?" Jacob is rather curious and mildly confused. Isn't no news good news? Or, something like that...

"It's doing well enough for the district I'm in. It's not quite as popular as I would like, but I've had a few customers that I hope are putting my name out there." People like Lazarus, or his girlfriend, and maybe even Nux, indirectly. But, those are minor details and it would be rude to disclose customer and potential customer names. And money's not particularly a problem. He just wants to help people be happy with his flower shop.

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Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory [OPEN]

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